There's a popular franchise out there that attempts to help people keep their house clean. They call the clean people "Cleanies" and the messy people "Messies." You know who you are.
The Cleanies cannot understand how the Messies can walk past simple clutter and not take the ten seconds to grab it on the way to the other room. The Messies are boggled at how the Cleanies can keep their homes so clean while holding down a job. Messies are full of excuses as to why the house is a chaotic sty, and Cleanies always offer suggestions for "organizing" so the Messies "learn" how to clean. To-do lists, schedules, delegation--all these tips are an attempt to reform the Messie. These tips fall on deaf ears, because the crux of the problem is that the Messies just don't give a flying hooter. (But what exactly they don't care about may surprise you.)
The excuses that Messies give rarely hold water. (Maybe an occasional excuse from a Cleanie is legitimate, but not from Messies.) Messies are quite talented at rationalization. They rationalize to themselves and to anyone else who will listen. They are just so busy, or too tired, or have no support, or have more important things in life to attend to, or hold relationship higher than household duties, or they are just "disorganized" people with no hope.
The fact of the matter is that Messies do care about their environment. They are affected by the chaos around them, and their spirit vibrates low in their messy home. They do care about exposing their messiness to the surprise visitor, and if given warning, will often clean frenetically to avoid mortification. What they don't give a flying hoot about is themselves.
That may sound a bit harsh, and the Messie's first reaction may be to sit up with indignation, but take a moment and think about it. Say it is a day you were home and no one was coming over. You do not shower, dress decently, or put on makeup or shave. You do not care about your own opinion enough to put in effort. If however, you knew that you had places to go and people to see, you might take that shower and put yourself together. In other words, your personal hygiene is based on concern for what others think of you. You forget the fact that when you shower and look good, you feel better regardless of who is around. But your own feelings are not worth the bother.
It is the same with the home. If you were taught to "clean up for company" then why clean up otherwise? I am a Messie, I admit. Unfortunately, so is everyone else in my family. I married one, and together we are teaching our children the art. (There may be a genetic factor; sadly our children have it either way.) In response to being told to clean, my children are known to ask, "Who's coming over?" They already know that cleaning is to be reserved for others. Yet we all will readily admit that we yearn for a clean, comfortable environment. We all admit that we enjoy cleanliness immensely when it graces us. Yet we do not believe that we deserve it purely for ourselves.
I do clean for my husband to some extent, and he cleans for me when I ask him. But the effort is sporadic, as he never complains or holds me accountable. And when he is out of town, so much the less. If he came home every night and bemoaned the messy house and chastised me, he would be pleased at how clean the house would be. But manipulation is not his way, and I would be cleaning out of fear instead of love. It is not who we are.
So the solution, I am figuring out, is to change my core beliefs surrounding my own sense of self-worth. I will say to myself: "I deserve to be in a beautifully clean home. I am worth the effort it takes to clean it." Rinse, then repeat.